Tell Me This Has Happened to You...

Whitney:
You're out somewhere and this guy looks really familiar, and you're scrolling through the millions of reasons for why you might know him:

No, you haven't made out with him some drunken night in a dark bar.
No, he's not a food co-op member.
No, he didn't witness your arse in the air in yoga class.

But wait. He's totally looking back too, recognition on his face. Damn.

Damn.

And then, as he walks away, visibly doing his own scrolling, he meets his friend and together they stare. And then you realize his FRIEND looks familiar too! Holy crap, you saw them on the interweb, and they are engaging in online dating just like you! Thankfully there's no obligation to say hello, but your online persona, your paid-for cover, is blown. Did you feel the tiniest pang of guilt when you remember you never responded to their winks? Not at all.

Oh, New York. You're a vastly complex and cozy place. Now quit doing that.

Hobbies, Social Experiments, and Savage Love

Whitney:
Recent events:
1. I went on a date with a guy this week, and ran into a friend of mine. She wanted to chat and hang out, not realizing this was sensitive territory, but how could she have known? If only I had said: "Lady, this is Boy. I met him online, and we are going to go feel awkward together for the next 2 hours." Much less awkward for her that way.

2. I'm getting a lot of re-winks. If I wasn't convinced by the first or second email, the lesser wink isn't going to cut it. Sorry.

3. I'm still amazed at the poor taste of some people. One guy wrote "Here's what I like to do: make art; cut hair; play with my dog; kill people... and you? P.S. Just kidding about the killing people thing." Another guy made reference to the "fact" that he was "not a homicidal maniac."

I don't get it, and maybe I'm espousing censorship in its purest, most socially graceful form. We don't make bomb jokes at the airport-- we probably shouldn't make reference to wanting to hack up a poor unsuspecting online dater as a stab (ha!) at humor. Surely there are much, much funnier things, no? Like my above pun, for example.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

You're Making My Head-er Spin

Robert:
Profile headers manage to reveal so much about a potential dating partner—but rarely what’s intended to be heard. Case in point: “Looking For Baggage to Match Mine” may not realize how downright horrifying his profile reads. Same with “I Deserve a Second Date” and “Sexed-Up Frantic” and “Bootylicious, Lick It.” Here are the daters who manage what others do so often in daily life: to proceed through every instant oblivious to their bad choices, their impact, their surroundings or common sense, cultural mores, and basic norms about psychology, life, dating, and making it in a world so quick to judge and dismiss.

Recently, I was captivated by the profile of a man so unabashedly self-confessional that he revealed every brutal detail of his childhood abuse, sparing nothing, instead offering quick, glib lessons on the meaning of survival. He concluded that his youth had fissured him irreparably and that any potential dater must concede him innumerable emotional flip-outs. Confessionals do this, you know—they encourage emotional paralysis and temper tantrums, beckon us to watch with eyes glued to the television, then have the nerve to coin it “real love.” As I was wondering what kind of man would email such a type, I clicked on his photo and saw one after another, each revealing various angles of the same, stunning shot: a life-like male statue gleaming in water, swimming trunks etched lightly on his tight frame, a smile that could make sex seem transcendental. I’ve been down those curves and my car has gone tumbling. Ah, yes: I know the type to contact him.

O-blog-atory Dating

Whitney:
With cumulative dating site numbers from 2.5 weeks amounting to over 2,000 profile views, 200 winks, and around 80 emails, I'm feeling overwhelmed. Today's camelback-breaking straw, though, was this morning's batch of monologous (not monogamous-- we're not there yet) emails.

For example, a few posts back I mentioned this guy:
"awww you are so adorable. what's a cute girl like you doing on a site like this??"

And I had responded as follows: "Hi [Boy Name].Thanks for the compliments. I guess I'm on here for the same reasons you are, right? How's Jersey treating you?"

Then he asked about my weekend. I responded in one sentence that I'd been in Philly for my cousin's wedding. That was the last time I wrote to him.

Since then he's sent 4 emails, with today's being a virtual essay on his trip to Vegas (he mentioned that he'd be "living the good life for 3 nights and 4 days"), in which he expounded on how this was his third plane trip EVER (!!!) and that he was "really nervous" (Oops--I'm not a fan of fearful people). It was riddled with excruciatingly mundane information. And it's left me wondering what I did to deserve the soliloquy? I thought that ignoring people is a good way to cease communicating. Maybe there's a lesson here. And now I'm remembering that I think he said he lived with his parents. Uh-oh.

Robert, love, you nailed it when you posed the question of profile duration and propriety. A conversation I had last night helped me realize that online dating is great for people who suffer from shyness, or who otherwise function with barriers against spontaneous/serendipitous human interaction. I do not cultivate such anti-serendipity barriers, but I'm paying cyberland to create them for me. How strange to prefer a controlled environment for finding a cuddle partner. How can ignoring an email, due to offensive or boring content, be the equivalent of a hurled glass of wine in the face as retaliation for an unsolicited ass grabbing? It just doesn't have the same sting.

In spite of this, I have a date tonight. I'm going to drink wine with a total stranger, and if he grabs my ass, I'll probably thank him. Right before he gets a facefull of vino.

This Wink's for YOU! (and you, and you, and you, and you...)

Whitney:
Moments ago, a pulpy trajectory travelled from the yummy orange I was eating directly into my eye. Coincidentally, I just went on an online winking spree. I figured I'd inun-date (ha!) myself with a lot of options.

My latest is a date with someone who emailed me in an accent (giddiness ensues... too early to swoon, though I might be on the cusp because he's got a Vespa...), and that's coming up. Other than that, I'm in various stages of flirting/assessing/planning with a few other fellas. I will conclude, though, that small talk is the junkfood of conversation, and accounts for why I often feel icky and artificially amped up after a few such exchanges. I guess what is being sought is the full-staffed, fresh, organic and gourmet version of that-- an unmistakeable and wicked fun connection-- but it's hard to swallow the idea that something so delicious could be sparked by something so un-saucy and bland as an e-wink.

As a firm believer in (and lover of) ephemera, however, I'm certain that stranger things have happened...

“You want me to do what?!”

Robert:
My friend recently was startled when his date—on their way home to sex from their second date —asked him to deactivate his internet dating profile. In fact, she proposed they remove their profiles together. Is there a word for this? And it's a ritual? People can now lock in dating partners with the same impulsive ease they use to make other decisions: finding the right book, the right shirt, or the right beer. “You’re it!”—she should’ve screamed, stopping at the corner store on the way home for a toothbrush and a wedding rag. (Condoms, too, to be safe—and a box of tissue because there will be tears aplenty when he turns your crazy ass down.)

However, I’m intrigued by the issues raised about how long one remains active on the internet dating world. Presumably, if you’re inciting interest every week, to not remove your profile after you’ve met someone appealing means you’ll either be turning down a lot of dates or draining interest and energy from the one you really want. (The naughty boy in me also wonders if you can simply modify your profile at this point to note an interest in threesomes or make your profile unsearchable, just in case.) Ultimately, my friend bedded her, then days later sent her a quick email that ceased future interactions. There's a lesson here: If the Internet can so readily confirm the strength of a relationship, it’s also far more likely it’ll be used to end one.

On E-Sluttiness

Whitney:
Last night a semi-cutely pictured guy from a dating site wanted to IM me. He was aggressive and not charming, demanding to know my IM address and email, where I live in BKLYN, etc. As creepy as it felt, I conceded to meet some of his demands (IM and email only) to satisfy a curiosity.

Then he asked for my photo and I said, "Didn't my photos show up in my Nerve profile?"

He replied, "Uh, no."

I sent him the one I use for my primary pic, but then became distracted by a phone conversation I was having, so forgot to continue the chat...

It was only this morning that I realized that the guy I was chatting with was from JDate, and not Nerve. Oops.

The e-Breakup

Robert:
My friend has encouraged me to ponder the ultimate taboo in Internet dating: the e-Breakup. That dreaded moment in an internet “relationship” where you let someone know that your chemistry is so off, unintended reactions are occurring. (Namely, you’re pissed he’s still emailing you love sonnets and asking you to divulge personal matters to deepen the commitment.)

So far I must admit that my Bitchometer has registered 9’s and 10’s for each bitchquake I emit whenever I simply cease emailing or calling. In contrast, my friend has drafted a standard email that he modifies and sends whenever his interest wanes; it’s akin to a job reject letter with all its sensitivity. Cut and paste. Move on. Nice.

Really though, the ethics and details of e-Breakups resemble other dating scenarios. When someone’s emotionally attached, no proper framing or messaging will ameliorate the pain. He will still name a lobster in your honor, drop it in boiling water, and rejoice at the sound of screaming. Also, the less involvement or intensity, the more detached the form in which you let them down. In the absence of paper airplanes, a text message suffices. An upside down smiley face? Classic.

The real concern, it seems, relates to breaking up with someone with whom you’ve have a mild-to-deep connection or a falsely portrayed connection (you might have acted romantically when all you sought was some booty). What then? An evite disinviting future dates? A straight-to-voice mail that lets you lie without cracking? One of the pull-down menu options available on dating sites that offer pre-packaged refusals? So many technological options—yet still no easy way out. What gives?

Completing the Triumvirate

Whitney:
I now have access to NYC singles on Match, okCupid, and Nerve. I can also dig out people from Friendster and Yahoo if I really want to, but I'm not going to hold my breath for those two. That's because yesterday on Friendster I searched for a slice of people, and found many ads for more dating sites, one of those "I'm rich, foreign, and in exile. Please give me your bank account number and I'll share my fortune" postings, AND lastly, came across the following post:

"i will give 25,000.00 for a young women to make my wife (dallas)
my name is randall cline i want a young women age 21 to 30 to married please email at randall_kline@yahoo.com"

I guess if all else fails in the dating world, I can always land a man AND make some $$. Thank goodness for the interweb.

“To delete this voice mail, press 7” or why we couldn’t take this email connection further

Robert:
Because the disconnect between his email persona and his voice jars. Because a voice mail message can foretell the future: squabbles heightened by voice mannerisms into Frustration Hell. Did you really just say that—like that? Because he seemed erudite, witty, a delicate balance between mind and mojo. Because the digital divide hides all the rest, and all the rest makes up the most. Because if you want to know how something will end, look at its beginning.

OKCupid is Too True

Whitney:
After match, which has an interface that a turnip could navigate, I'm finding OKCupid to be refreshingly challenging. You have to think harder, longer, and more delicately about your responses to questions. Your answers result in a profile comprised of weighted scores with varying levels of significance. Given human complexity, you ultimately want a computer-generated assessment of yourself to be both impossibly, mechanically misunderstood, and at the same time crushingly, terrifyingly true.

I have only responded to one quiz. The result: I am classified as "The Dirty Little Secret": Deliberate, Gentle Sex Master (DGSM). It's pretty much right on: C'est le vraiment vrai verite. I'm supposed to be a good match for The Bachelor or the Backrubber.

OKCupid can put into words the phrases you may not have wanted to utter out loud (or hear, for that matter), but it does the rest of us potential swooners the favor of rooting out possible major incompatibilities, for example, when it comes to feelings on sex, religion, monogamy, and whether or not you want to make a baby or participate in a joint bee-keeping venture.

There is an invaluable component to all of this: The hypothetical issues above are too heavy to raise with someone when you first meet them. The questions themselves can scare people off, nevermind the ensuing, bumbling answers (or avoidance of...). Thus, statistically accurate profiles can save us heartache and help us to move toward the clearer truth... Right?

Does Match feel two-timed?

Whitney:
I've mentioned before that I'm not known for "playing the field", as it were. Serial monogamy is more my speed, but I'm serious now about wanting to know what/who will really seize my interest, and I believe the best way to do so is to meet a whole bunch of people. That's why I'm dating.

But, this means I can't commit to just one site. That's why I'll be branching out. I'm on match now, but I'm going to try OKCupid because it's free, and it sounds nerdy, (matches are based on individual's answers to quizzes) which is appealing to me. I'm just not satisfied with match, and I need to move on. AND, I have an unending faith in people, so I'm dismissing the boring time I've had there to the site, and not to the pool of dating humans at large. After all, I'm on here, right?

BTW, Robert, Bjork is supersexy for getting it on... As is Lucinda Williams (though I can't give her all the credit). Mogwai is luscious. Who else? Come on, spill it!

When grooves help you groove

Robert:
The question came up among my friends recently about the proper music to accompany sexual activity. A friend of mine had encountered a situation where he was gradually making his moves on his date, and the guy busted out Mariah Carey’s latest CD. Another friend added that his lovemaking was interrupted by the 1812 Overture, while another friend claims she listens to ACDC's "Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap" and looks forward to the point where the rockin’ climax gives way to more mellow, post-coital beats. Still another notes that he tailors playlists to different moods and sexual personalities. Gawd. What would I think if my date stripped me down to James Taylor?

Personally, I've gotten it on to Nina Simone and Jack Johnson; a few months ago, to “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” by Green Day. Who knew suburban angst could be an aphrodisiac?

Since I’m sure I’m not the only person who’s created a playlist on his iPod meant specifically for sex, I pose the question to people out there: If your sex life had a soundtrack, what would it be?

The Bland and the Beautiful

Whitney:
The volume has indeed skyrocketed. Of the 17 emails I received within the last 24 hours, I received the following efforts at piquing my interest:

• "Hello. My perfect match is someone who Love's to laugh. Someone who Love's to talk over A candel light dinner... Most important someone who Love's to go to concert's. I love A girl/woman who has A great personality and Love's to just have fun."

OK. There's no way this poor bloke would know this, but grammar matters to this particular girl/woman. Since when is "love" a proper noun? Maybe it should be, but then we'd need to capitalize the other elements, like Fire and Water. Also, what gives with the capitalized As? Why is every word ending in ess possessive vs. plural? In sum, I'm sure he's a lovely (albeit unoriginal) soul. I'm not feeling it though.

• "I love your attitude and demeanor. I am [Boy's Name], 38, fulltime opera singer. I seek an eclectic lovely woman to have as mine and me as hers :-) Possible?"

Hmm. Maybe I'll write back and tell him, yes, let's be BF/GF 4 Eva. A fulltime opera singer sounds intriguing, but he lives upstate, and well, you know. I like Brooklyn.

• "awww you are so adorable. what's a cute girl like you doing on a site like this??"

That's a good question, and I'm beginning to wonder. I have no problems approaching people or even *gasp!* asking for phone numbers if I'm feeling saucy, and this is in real life to boot! I don't generally possess social awkwardness, save for occasional excited nerves. Anyhoo, I'll blame it on Robert. And thanks, Quote number 3, for the nice compliments. Seriously.

That text message has bite

Robert:
Today I called my date for tonight to confirm our plans for this evening. I left a message, identified myself, and asked if we were still on schedule. He responds with a text message. (Always dangerous territory when someone shifts the mode of communication on you; surprise your enemy by redefining the terms of engagement.)

The following exchange of text messages ensues:

HIM: Who are u again? Screename on match?
ME: He he. Nice. [Offer my screen name]. [How funny is it when you forget people’s profiles because the volume has skyrocketed?]
HIM: Im workin tonight. U shouldve called me last night
ME: [Yikes. Apology mode.] im really sorry. I thought we had agreed on tonight. If u don’t hate me, maybe we can do it next week?

2-to-1, he hates me by Monday. 4-to-1, I still do him.

Dating Perils Revealed

Whitney:
In addition to Robert's queries about talking about dating while dating, I have been wondering myself about dating protocol as a concept. The issue begs questions such as:

• Timing between ice-breaking online interactions and face-to-face interactions
• Amount of personal information to divulge
• Full disclosure of where you are right now, emotionally or otherwise

I also wonder about the notorious misunderstandings that make casual dating or first-time meetings feel perilous: What about being stood up? How about follow-up dates? Who makes the first move the next day after a night out? These are basic questions for sure, but there must be some sort of etiquette (as outlined on the match website (i.e., don't come on too strong too soon, give a compliment right away, respect privacy for the sake of your mutual safety, etc)) that fleshes these circumstances out a bit more.

In actuality, I'm not really a fan of protocol or etiquette when it comes to dating. You can be sure I will be courteous and polite, and I'm (probably) not going to do any stalking. But if I like someone, I will just say so. And if I don't feel like making out with someone, but I do enjoy their company, I'll try and relay that as well, as tactfully as possible. For example, recently a guy from Oregon emailed me and wanted to chat. I wrote back to him and let him know that since he lives in OR, I'd rather pursue interests in my own city (and likely in my own Borough), and thanked him for the attention. He thanked me back, and that seems like a nice exchange. Damn time-consuming, though, and this stuff leeches time enough without all the niceties.

On a fun note, I had my first date last night. I'm a swooner, so I'm swooning, (and also because this dreamboat is worthy of my swoon) but all of it is still fraught with uncertainty about how to proceed, etc. Regardless, today I'll enjoy feeling sleepily giddy, and proceed as the mood strikes.

It goes without saying

Robert:
Immersed in cyber land dating, I find myself sharing every detail with friends: the dates gone awry, the guy with a crazy “edge” teetering on manic disorder, the deceivers who use outdated photos and show up years older, inches shorter or crazier than any caption could capture. Partly, it’s because I’m the type to spill every thought and emotion in the hopes friends will extract some semblance of meaning. We also live in a self-confessional culture of reality TV that encourages reflection to the point of embarrassment. (Ironic then that I write this on a blog devoted to relaying every second of this dating experience.)

It’s on this note that I found myself wondering last night if my date and I had crossed a line when we began reflecting on our recent dating patterns. Questions abound: What does he mean when he says he made his profile private after I contacted him? If I describe other dates, will it neutralize the romance? Will I come off as finicky, disinterested or rude? And who pays once the line crosses and the potential dissipates? Is it a faux pas to talk about dating while dating?

Tip for Fleeing a Date

Robert:
What to say to your first internet date when you’ve spent the evening tip-toeing his below-the-surface rage; his berating of a waiter for not working at a restaurant that serves coffee; and his obliviousness as you run into an ex you wish you had contacted after you split up five months ago because he had insisted you two remain friends and he now sits across the bar seething in rage and disquietude as he stares you and the little, angry man down: “Let’s go.”

Match 'em up dot com

Whitney:
At 3 am this past Saturday morning, I had just completed my new match.com profile. Now, approximately 60 hours later (2 and a half days), I am the proud (?) recipient of 750 views, 48 "connections" (aka, winks) and 17 emails. Man, that was fast! In addition to letting them come to me, I've pursued a few cuties, sending winks and, when particularly moved to do so, an email or two. It's a really strange culture out there in online dating. I feel like I'm floundering around underwater, searching for some buried treasure. Then when there seems to be a mutual interest, the two matched entities come up for air and move to higher ground, like, say, personal email instead of the intermediary match site email. Then what? You make a date? I haven't gotten that far yet. I spent a good deal of time removing winkers with names like "Seeyousoonbabe", and "BeaverQuest" though.

I went to bed giddy last night because a supercutie had responded to an email I sent. Of course its fun, but its also distracting. And I'm dying to know how Robert's date went this weekend... and there's one tonight too, isn't there Robert?

When Winks Stink

Robert:
Internet dating sites use two devices to entice subscriptions: the wink and the note. The wink is free and used to notify those you find ferociously hot. When a hottie receives your wink, he'll try accessing your profile only to discover such capabilities come with a price tag. A wink is that mischievous, frugal kid who, like Lucy with her football, guffaws when we fall on our backs.

My first, three winks EVER took place last week:

1) A 45-year-old man who authored a novel explaining our compatibility, then asked if his forty-five years were too much for my twenty-nine. No, if you look like Pierce Brosnan. Yes, if it's Drew Carey.

2) A woman living in Wichita, Kansas who described herself as “all woman on the outside” and “all man on the inside.” She gave me her bra size and asked what I thought about long-distance relationships. I think I'm not in Kansas anymore.

3) Danny DeVito’s stunt double.

Masters of the Datrix

While some of us are eluded by the Datrix, others of us are all over that complex maze of (ones and) zeros. What's a good thing to do if you happen to witness your ex out on a rebound date? Smile and cross the street? Follow them discreetly? Run them over with your bike? Wish them well as you cycle towards your bright, bright future?

What if you don't actually KNOW if it was a date because you just saw the new catch hovering outside your ex's pad? Is there such a thing as pre-emptive voodoo?

Moving right along...

Our blog begins

Whitney and Robert, two happenin’ hipsters living in Brooklyn, have decided to give this eDating thing a whirl. For quite some time they've been pondering the titillating possibilities, yet still resisted. Who uses these services anyway? Suburbanites? Divorcees? Tricks looking for treats? Turns out, all of the above—and more: hotties and brainiacs and politicos and urbanites and fashionistas regularly visit cyber-land for love. Watch these two cuties as they strive to make it—and make out—with these internet browsers.